So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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