On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
