Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
