I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Your cock deserves a montage
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
