I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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