the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
then he tried to convert me to islam
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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