you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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