I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
