My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
