i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
