Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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