A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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