there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
