he thought i was a dude.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
