if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
