Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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