I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
