I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
did i walk over a car last night?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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