Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
