i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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