1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
