But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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