Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
