just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
