It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
