I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
