when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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