I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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