I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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