how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
