so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
