Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
