ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
