I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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