I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
