i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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