The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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