i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Randomize
