rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
