just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
