I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
