Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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