If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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