there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i came on her dog
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
