I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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