How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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