did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
