I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
