I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
