I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
